Is the Way You’re Working Actually Working for You?
Work stress isn’t always caused by your job or workload. Sometimes, it comes from the pressure you place on yourself, the responsibility you carry and the belief that everything depends on you.
Years before I became a coach, I was working in a corporate role that I cared deeply about.
I was proud of the company I worked for, the responsibilities I’d been given and the fact that I had moved countries for my career.
But I was starting to notice some patterns in my relationship with work that I didn’t love.
Around that time, I started working with my first coach. She said something that completely changed the way I thought about work:
“It’s not always about what you’re working on…it’s about how you’re working that creates stress at work.”
When work follows you everywhere
At the time, I was going to bed thinking about work.
Waking up thinking about work.
Checking my emails constantly.
My husband would sometimes look at me and ask:
“Where are you?”
And I’d realize I hadn’t heard a word he’d said.
“Oh, sorry. I was at work.”
Not physically. But in my head, I was always there.
There was an underlying fear that if I stopped paying attention, something would fall apart.
The truth is, no one was asking me to work this way.
But I felt like everything had to be done perfectly—the emails I sent, the work I produced, the way I supported clients and showed up for my team.
When achievement becomes tied to self-worth
Work had become deeply connected to how I saw myself.
It made me feel successful. Important. Worthy.
The coach described this as a success wound: when our sense of worth becomes tied to what we achieve, produce or prove.
Once I saw it, I began to recognize how much of the pressure I felt was coming from within me.
Of course, caring about your work isn’t a problem.
Being thoughtful, dependable and committed might be part of what makes you great at what you do.
But when those qualities are taken to an extreme—when doing a good job starts costing you your presence, energy, relationships or health—it’s worth asking:
Is the way I’m working actually working for me?
Learning to care without carrying everything
That year, I began changing how I worked.
I didn’t quit my job, stop caring or abandon my ambition.
But I did begin to loosen my grip.
I stopped treating every request as urgent and every problem as mine to solve.
I became more comfortable letting good work be good enough, trusting other people and accepting that I couldn’t anticipate or control every outcome.
I also created clearer boundaries, took proper lunch breaks and made more space for the parts of me that had nothing to do with work.
Most importantly, I learned how to care about my work without carrying it all.
And something surprising happened: I actually did better work.
I was less tense and reactive.
I had more perspective, energy and creativity.
I had more fun at work and outside of work.
And I started loving my job more once I stopped asking it to be the source of my entire identity.
Why changing jobs doesn’t always change work stress
I now see versions of this way of working in so many of my clients.
The tense shoulders.
The frantic email written late at night.
The feeling that everything is urgent.
The inability to switch off in the evening, on the weekend or while on vacation.
We often assume we need a different job, a lighter workload or to finally finish that exhausting project.
Sometimes those things do need to change.
But a new job or company won’t automatically change the way you work.
If some of the pressure is coming from within you, it can follow you into the next job, project or season.
How to take your foot off the gas
When you notice yourself rushing, gripping or trying to hold everything together, pause and ask:
What am I afraid might happen if I loosen my grip?
Is this pressure coming from the situation or from within me?
What would taking my foot off the gas by 5–10% look like here?
Maybe it means negotiating a timeline instead of quietly absorbing an unrealistic one.
Sending the email when it’s thoughtful, not perfect.
Leaving a message unanswered until morning.
Or allowing someone else to carry their responsibility instead of stepping in to prevent every possible problem.
A more sustainable way to succeed
I haven’t completely rid myself of this way of working.
It still resurfaces, especially when something matters deeply to me or I feel uncertain about the outcome.
But now I recognize it sooner.
I know that working with greater ease doesn’t mean I’m lazy, less ambitious or lowering my standards.
It means I’m no longer using pressure as my primary source of fuel.
You can care deeply without carrying everything.
You can produce extraordinary work without sacrificing yourself in the process.
Because success isn’t only about what you accomplish.
It’s also about how you experience your life while accomplishing it.
With love and encouragement,
Ashley
Ashley Marcinek is an ICF-certified executive, life and career coach who helps ambitious professionals understand what’s keeping them stuck, strengthen their self-trust and create meaningful change in how they work, lead and live.
